She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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