Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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