I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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