Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
