so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
