my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize