..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
