If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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