we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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