i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
