never play flip cup with pint glasses
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
