i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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