i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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