zippers are such a cool invention
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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