Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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