On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
