you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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