Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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