Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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