my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
