Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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