There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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