It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
