I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
