i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
