Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The power of my boobs compel you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize