We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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