Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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