Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
