Ambien. No doubt about it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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