So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
