Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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