I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Never joke about your clitoris.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
