I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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