he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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