Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
