capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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