dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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