my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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