There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
