I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
