his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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