I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
