Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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