This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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