1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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