Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize