i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize