Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
