And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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