When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
