your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
