Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
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