Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
