Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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