Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
