I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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