well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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