im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
