I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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