Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize