When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
