tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it was like eating out sand paper
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
