he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
