Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
