I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
