I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
