i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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